THE BEGINNING

We asked LA noise band HEALTH for a run down of how American looked in 2013

HEALTH

KIM JONG UN THREATENS TO NUKE LA ::
This was an exciting time for Los Angelenos. The old guard of the East Coast has long monopolized terrorist attention. The proximity of the Big Apple to the Middle East has always given it a certain allure and as a result we got no love on 9/11. But with North Korea at the table with some new toys it’s a whole new ball game. No sparks have flown yet, but at least it looks like the Westside might start getting the headlines we all know we deserve.

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THE POPE QUIT ::
Who gives a shit, that fucker is not American.

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PAUL WALKER KILLED IN AMAZON PRIME DRONE STRIKE ::
This is historic on multiple levels. Not only was this the first civilian life stamped out by a drone attack on American soil, but the assassination was carried out by a powerhouse U.S corporation. America has a long history of being on the cutting edge of technological application, and Amazon has shown us the future and potential of privatized military resources with this fast and furious display of power.

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OBAMACARE ::
This is an absolute milestone in the history of U.S Healthcare. Unfortunately, as with anything these days, if you have to spend more than 5 minutes on the website everybody shits all over it.

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90% OF AMERICAN FILM ROLES ARE CAST WITH BRITISH ACTORS ::
Is the United Kingdom teaching American accents and diction in grade school now? I can’t even watch 12 Years a Slave without at least half the cast being English. Throw us a bone here. What the fuck was Benedict Cumberbatch doing in there? It sounded like he had multiple personality disorder. I guess after The Wire you guys figured we were fucking clueless and you could just take over, leaving good hard working Americans high and dry. NOT ON MY WATCH.

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I GOT CHLAMYDIA ::
Earlier this year my girlfriend kept reporting intense pain during vaginal intercourse. I assumed it must’ve been a result of my giant cock… However, I was disappointed to find out that I had given her a long undiagnosed case of Chlamydia. Thank you Planned Parenthood Pasadena.

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THE BIRTH OF THE ROYAL BABY ::
Who gives a shit, that fucker is not American.

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PAULA DEEN LAWSUIT ::
America’s sweetheart Paula Deen found herself in a bit of a pickle when she fatally shot unarmed black teen Trayvon Martin in Sanford, Florida in 2012. Although acquitted in 2013, Deen was dropped by nearly all of her endorsement deals and lost her top rated TV show. On a personal note I was able to acquire a full set of her cookware at a competitive price.

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BOSTON MARATHON BOMBING ::
Then unknown teen heartthrob and techno aficionado, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev exploded on the scene on April 15th 2013. Gracing the cover of Rolling Stone just a few months later. His meteoric rise to fame electrified the American public and ultimately gave rise to the wildly successful Boston Strong clothing line. We think Tsarnaev may find it’s harder to stay on top than it is it to get there, especially with such an ethnic name.

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AMERICAN SCIENTISTS 3D PRINT A LIVING EAR ::
While an amazing breakthrough for science, society is going to break down once they start printing living dicks. You’re not going to be able to sleep when Tom from accounting has a dick 5 inches longer with an elbow and Led Zeppelin’s four symbols on the side.

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EDWARD SNOWDEN ::
You may not remember Snowden’s blog hit ‘Black Eyes (Le Castle Vania Remix)’ from 2007… But he broke big this year spilling the US’ beans all over the Internet. He’s currently taking a long vacation from the hype machine but I can’t wait to see what’s coming next from this young talent.

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IRON MAN 3 HIGHEST GROSSING AMERICAN FILM ::
Iron Man 3 was the highest grossing film in America. It is the sequel to the films Iron Man 1 and Iron Man 2.

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LOU REED DIES AT 71 ::
They don’t make cool people like this anymore, and we are getting down to the last handful. The further we get from the historical epoch of great Rock n Roll the thinner the old growth gets. There was once a time when there were only a few survivors of the Great War left, then there were none. We are now facing the fast approaching extinction of our tasteful musical elite. All that will be left is bland, self mythologizing, validation whoring, social media superstars.

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KANYE AND KIM HAD A BABY ::
That fucker might be American but who gives a shit.

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MARIJUANA IS LEGALIZED IN COLORADO AND WASHINGTON STATE ::
Most British people don’t really care about weed, but this is big deal for Americans. The next step is to legislate reparations for those wrongfully incarcerated for Marijuana possession by providing each exonerated party with a PS4 and a refurbished George Foreman grill.

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HEALTH STILL DIDN’T PUT OUT A NEW RECORD ::
I wasn’t aware of this until someone mentioned it on our Twitter. Thanks for looking out dude, almost forgot. New LP 2014.

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