THE BEGINNING

PARALEGALS AND PARADIDDLES: Reef Younis investigates what rock stars do next. No.3: Dave Roundtree

dav-rountree

Walk past the offices of Kingsley Napley law firm in Farringdon – as I did for five years on a semi-regular lunchtime scuttle – and nothing immediately stands out.  Depending on your legal circumstances, or perhaps an accident at work, you’d only really notice it if you were swinging by for a pricey consultation with the likes of Verity Danziger, Michael Caplan QC or David Rowntree.

You’d probably step into a well-appointed waiting area, where a receptionist diligently takes your name and politely asks you to take a seat. You briefly wait before being led to an office lined with legal literature and deep mahogany furnishings; its framed legal certificates offsetting the glint of the platinum records set on the back wall. A man in a black suit and tie walks in and offers a handshake.

“Hi David, I know you’re busy but appreciate you taking the time” you enthuse.

“No problem. Yeah, the morning was a bit of a blur but please, call me Dave.”

You sit down and give Dave the background.

“I want to say I’m Fine but the stress is starting to Wear Me Down” you begin.

I Got Law,” Dave confidently reassures you.

“I’ve started taking Tracy Jacks and Chinese bombs to deal with the court appearances but I feel Resigned, Tender, Far Out…”

Slow Down…”

“…I’m barely Coping with the legal fees. I lost my Country House to The Debt Collector and now I live in a Caravan on a Trailerpark.”

“Well, We’ve Got a File on You,” Dave begins, “and in this case, there’s really No Distance Left to Run.”

“Well, This Is a Low. There’s No Other Way?” you plead.

“You’re On Your Own.”

“What happened to ‘I Got Law’?!” you challenge. Dave calmly looks down at his watch.

“I’m sorry, we’re Out of Time.”

Frustrated and angry, you storm out of the office and stride into the nearest Pret a Manger, determined to track down Dave’s credentials on Linkedin before launching an aggressive, but undoubtedly fruitless, digital attack. But as the red mist descends, it hits you! Dave was a local politician; he knocked on your door asking for your vote a few years back…Labour, probably*. Placated, you think to yourself that maybe he should have tried it in ’97 when Tony, Rule Britannia and Brit Pop were in full swing. He might’ve won.

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*In 2010 Dave finished in second place in the Cities of London and Westminster election with 8,188 votes.