THE BEGINNING

At the end of 2013, we asked our favourite noise band, HEALTH, to review the past year, as seen from their vantage point in Los Angeles. For better or worse, they’ve done it again for 2014

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BILL COSBY ::
Race relations in America were set back another 50 years when Bill Cosby, winner of Time magazine’s prestigious “Safest Black Man on Earth” award turned out to be a serial rapist (allegedly, of course). This may not hit the British public, but Jello is never bringing back the pudding pop. Also, your kitsch “Cosby” sweater is now a “Rape” sweater. Que sera, sera.

SIR IAN HOLM SHITS IN A BURGER KING SINK ::
This might not have happened, but my heart tells me it did.

EBOLA ::
The 1990s revival hit a fever pitch as the virus put up its biggest numbers yet, finally getting its foot in the door of the hallowed American market. Even The Beatles didn’t have their own checkpoint when they landed at JFK.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR DIES AT 54 ::
The tragic story of the Native American is an irrepressible dark region of this country’s psyche. The trail of tears finally ended with the loss of our last great savage brave.

ISIS ::
We haven’t heard much from L.A. based post-metal outfit ISIS since they disbanded in 2010. Evidently they’ve reunited and relocated to the Middle East where they have been producing some their most provocative work to date, completely eschewing lengthy song structures in favour of establishing an Islamic state. Their new work has been publicly denounced by the United Nations and even the American President, but we all know there’s no such thing as bad press. Presently their envelope-pushing, edgy video content has been a fixture of international news, garnering them their biggest audiences yet. Let’s hope they can sustain this controversial new direction.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY HIGHEST GROSSING AMERICAN FILM ::
Guardians of The Galaxy is the highest grossing film of 2014 in the United States. It is the sequel to the 2012 film Rise Of The Guardians.

WAYNE STATIC DIES AT 48 ::
Wayne Static, one of America’s most beloved musicians died in his sleep on November 1st, 2014. Static was best known as the founder and frontman of the industrial metal band Static-X.

KIM AND KANYE GOT MARRIED ::
Who cares, America is still furious at Kim for breaking the internet with her striking horse ass. My shit was out for weeks.

2014 CELEBRITY PHOTO LEAK ::
I jerked off to a bunch of photos of J Law and a ton of other beautiful girls I’d never heard of on August 31st 2014… and again on September 11 (never forget).

CIVIL UNREST IN FERGUSON, MO ::
Michael Brown, an unarmed 18-year old black male, was shot to death after an altercation with a cop, but it might as well have been 2014’s “bad luck kid” Donald Sterling, who was recently forced to sell the Los Angeles Clippers basketball franchise after making a series of Mel Gibson-esque remarks that were caught on tape. 2014 went from bad to worse for the 80-year-old billionaire, who fresh off his ‘bad beat’ in L.A. would have probably also shot the unarmed teen “seven or eight times”, according to witnesses. The incident inspired an ongoing series of protests and civil disorder in the St. Louis suburb. On November 24, a grand jury chose not to indict the cop or Mr Sterling for their actions, reigniting civil unrest and precipitating the largest race related country-wide protests since Rodney King hit the big time… GO CLIPPERS!

YOU CAN’T JOKE ABOUT PAEDOPHILIA AT A DINNER PARTY IN 2014 ::
No matter how cool your girlfriend says her friends are, they still aren’t going to think it’s funny… trust me.

TOMMY RAMONE DIES AT 65 ::
Sadly succumbing to the accursed disease that befell his three brethren… Four Ramones dead. Four Rolling Stones still fucking alive. The world is a crazy place.

WORLD CUP 2014 ::
We did OK. Once we get American black kids into soccer you’re all fucked.

CLIMATE CHANGE ::
The scientific opinion on climate change is that the Earth’s climate system is unequivocally warming, and it is extremely likely that we are totally fucked. Easy come easy go.

HEALTH COMPLETED AN ALBUM ::
Believe it or not, Ripley. Hold on to your dick, first quarter 2015.

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