Let me be quite clear: from the photo of the artist in sunglasses and post-ironic party hat which adorns the cover of Colleen Green’s third (how?) LP to its final ringing guitar string, this is a self- conscious, vapid, and utterly pointless pastiche of better music and better ideas that has no place on any record shelf, hard drive or streaming service.

The best way to describe it is that every song on the album is a bit like something else, except much worse. Opener ‘I Want To Grow Up’, for example, is what it might have sounded like if the production and vocal of Loomer came to an 8-year-old Kevin Shields when he was grounded for not tidying his room. ‘Things That Are Bad For Me (Part 1)’ is a frivolous bubblegum punk number a la Fountains of Wayne’s ‘Stacey’s Mom’, only bereft of the humour. And the hook for that matter. ‘Things That Are Bad For Me (Part 2)’ – as if a single instalment weren’t sufficient – wherein Green lists her manifold vices (“I want to do drugs right now”) bears a resemblance to Queens Of The Stone Age’s ‘Feel Good Hit Of The Summer’. If it were shorn of every last drop of its energy, conviction, and integrity. ‘Whatever I Want’ is a paean to Green’s epiphanic realisation that she can indeed do what she likes. Think Best Coast without the melodies.

If this is what punk sounds like in 2015 then Strummer will have an awful lot of turning to do down below. It’s rebellious alright; in the way that not doing your homework or refusing to eat your veg can be seen as making a stand. Perhaps when Green eventually does grow up things will improve but for now this genuinely feels like satire.


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