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words by The beautiful people of Loud And Quiet
Last month (Dec 07) we published our Humans of The Year and Sub-Human Scum of The Year lists in Loud And Quiet Magazine. So here they are for anyone who didn’t pick up the issue before all the copies danced off the shelves, starting with the goodies… HUMANS OF THE YEAR!
WINNER! JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
His ex is on our Human Of The Year list, perhaps shadowed by a slice of irony, but JT’s appearance really isn’t. To deny that this once-pube-headed boy-bander is the coolest mother-hugger on the planet is to earn yourself company from the page opposite. He claimed he was “bringing sexy back” and he did just that, despite ‘Future Sex/Love Sounds’ seeming more pony than a day at Ascot on its first listen. Through ‘07 he wedged his feet firmly under the table reserved for Snoop, Timberland and P Diddy, went all Leo on us by proving pretty boys can act in Alphadog and has somehow held on to his sanity. Take note Ms Spears.
KANYE WEST > for making that P.I.M.P 50 Cent retire.
BRITNEY SPEARS > for making the world of pop appear more absurd than hairspray stadium rock.
BAT FOR LASHES > for being anti-sellout, anti-scene and the most stylish lass of the year.
ALICE (CRYSTAL CASTLES) > for being the most exciting front person we’ve ever seen.
PATRICK WOLF > for reclaiming ginger hair from fatso Mick Hucknall and making ‘The Magic Position’.
MIA > for being the FBI’s public enemy No. 1.
FRANK CARTER > for rocking the best ink.
JAMES (KLAXONS) > for eating his own face when collecting his band’s Mercury Award. No shame!
TRENT REZNOR > for his NIN light show at Reading.
(EITHER OF) DAFT PUNK > for without their existence 2007 would have sounded very different.
BIZZY P > for managing the above, running Ed Banger and DJing like a demon, all in one body.
XAVIER (JUSTICE) > for being well French and wearing that tache with no sense of irony.
KATTY (PLASTICINES) > for being well French and totally out of her tree. UFFIE > for wanting to be well French and singing songs ruder than Britney flashing her biff.
SEASICK STEVE > for that name and being 107.
BEIRUT > for doing the work of 1000 on his new LP.
DIZZEE RASCAL > for admitting he wants to be massive and pissing off ‘true grime fans’.
LETHAL BIZZLE > for doing the above.
YANIS (FOALS) > for forming Foals.
RHIANNA > for that song.
SIMON (BIFFY CLYRO) > for being living proof that perseverance wins every time.
SPIDER WEBB > for being the coolest member of the coolest band in the world. ORLANDO WEEKS > for that name.
FRYARS > for merging Tom Vek with Patrick Wolf.
JOSEPH MOUNT > for being Metronomy and remixing as well as he creates his own tunes.
DANNY (CAJUN DANCE PARTY) > for giving hope to curly haired kids and repairing Luke Kook’s work.
SARAH HARDING > for having the mouth of a sailor, the drinking arm of George Best and not giving two shits about getting papped stumbling about.
LILY ALLEN > for still getting on it 6 nights a week. We need more pop stars like her.
MATT HELDERS > for being the funny Arctic Monkey.
LOU HAYTER > for not playing safe with NYPC and launching solo project The New Sins. And she’s fit.
FEIST > for being the new Cat Power.
DJ YODA > for destroying the dark side.
VICTORIA (DEATH DISCO) > for making Debbie Harry circa 1977 look as sexy as a bag of shit.
ANDY (THE ENEMY) > for looking like he wants to fight the whole room at any given Enemy gig.
JAMIE T > for not playing the media game but still managing to win it somehow.
JAMES FORD > for ‘Favourite Worst Nightmare’.
DANNI MINOGUE > for not releasing a single this year.
BJORK > for returning and making music brilliantly weird again.
DAVE GROHL > for still once being in Nirvana.
EDDIE ARGOS > for eating all the pies. AGAIN!
NIC (!!!) > for being oh so credible.
WILL (I WAS A CUB SCOUT) > for drumming like a demon while chirpsing girls at the same time.
SANTOGOLD > for fucking with every musical genre.
GEORGE (THIS CITY) > for having a cosmic tat sleeve that includes Yoda (not DJ Yoda).
JOE LEAN > for sounding crap but looking lean.
KANO > for bringing back our Craig David.
CANDI PAYNE > for being jazzy but not Winehouse.
HANNAH (MODERNAIRE) > for her murderous lyrics.
LINDSEY LOHAN > for giving Hollywood a new siren.
SUB-HUMAN SCUM OF THE YEAR
LOSER! NOEL EDMONDS
He looks pretty sharp here. Happy, stylish, tall. But this picture was taken in 1942, before we realised that evil is spelt N.O.E.L. The truth is, there aren’t enough hours in the day to detest Noel ‘Blobby Blobby Blobby’ Edmonds. It’s not because he’s doodles on himself to kick start the 10ft ego he keeps in his 4ft frame, as part of some weird cult that makes Scientology look sane. And it’s not only (but is partly) because of that pick-a-box-and-we’ll-milk-this-shit-for-half-an-hour quiz he hosts. No, it’s simply because he’s a wretched creature. He takes the piss out of the mentally handicapped for god’s sake. What a c*nt!
RICKY WILSON > for wanting to be Bowie but actually being a shitter, fatter Robbie Williams.
MATT (PIGEON DETECTIVES) > for being in The Pigeon Detectives.
THE TWANG > for making us ponder how come every lardy talentless lout doesn’t have a record deal?
ETHAN (CRYSTAL CASTLES) > for being the most difficult, age-denying tool we’ve dealt with all year.
LOUIS WALSH > for being a condescending cretin and half the man (literally) that Simon Cowell is.
LUKE PRICHARD > for everything.
BONO for everything and more.
PEACHES GELDOF > for shamefully attending the opening of a crisp packet with that face.
KIMBERLEY STEWART > for showing her dad up.
ROD STEWART > for allowing the above to happen.
ELTON JOHN > for being the egotistical trollop he is and idiots love him for. DONNY TOURETTE > for existing.
EXAMPLE > for ‘being whacky’ until he’s got no mic when he turns into a joke himself.
IAN WRIGHT > for those fucking ASDA adverts.
CHARLIE (FROM BB8) > for making us feel hate like we’ve never known possible.
ENDEMOL > for Big Brother.
THE LONDON LITE > for assuming that Lily Allen breathing oxygen is ‘news’ every fucking day.
THE LONDON PAPER > for much of the same.
THE O2 > for being a shopping centre first and a venue second.
NICK HODGSON > for not being happy making all the money from the back of the stage.
GORDON RAMSEY > for being such a mouthy prick that when he smiles once everyone thinks, “actually he’s dead sound and not a c*nt”, which he is.
JO WHILEY > for having shark’s eyes.
ALEX TURNER > for making us hate ourselves.
LAUREN LAVERNE > for delivering her ‘punch lines’ in a weird voice.
PHIL JUPITUS > for still not making anyone laugh.
ANDY (NYPC) > for thinking his band are bigger than they ever will actually be.
SUGGS > for pushing Fish Fingers when he’s not dicking around Camden like a twat.
DAMON ALBARN > for never being happy.
JOHN LYDON > for reforming the wrinkly scrotums, aka The Sex Pistols.
RICHARD ASHCROFT > for reforming the wrinkly scrotums, aka The Verve.
JEREMY KYLE > for thinking that speaking slowly makes him profound.
GILLIAN MCKEITH > for being up to her elbows in it.
KEN LIVINGSTONE > for spunking our cash.
BILL ODDY > for perving on birds.
JEREMY CLARKSON > for always being ‘right’ and a smug fucker.
AMY WINEHOUSE > for wasting it.
CONFUSED.COM > for praying on housebound slackers.
CHRIS MOYLES > for that wage.
THE BBC > for the hosts of their Glasto coverage.
REMI NICOLE > for making Lily Allen’s lyrics look like the words of Keats.
RYAN JARMAN > for refusing to disband The Cribs despite our pleads.
KERRY KATONA > for making her kids eat Iceland grub.
HUGH HEFNER > for the same reason as Bill Oddy.
DAVINA MCCALL > for gurning at tea time.
SHARON OSBOURNE > for Kelly Osbourne.
PATRICK KIELTY > for Christ’s sake, WHY?
DANNY DYER > for being a slaaaaag!
NICK LOVE > for making Danny Dyer a slaaaaag!
JOHN TRAVOLTA > for being weirder than Tom Cruise.
Originally appeared in volume 1, issue 29 of Loud & Quiet magazine
