Every single Christmas song, however obscure, is now at risk
You won’t admit it now, but eight years ago your favourite Christmas song was ‘All I Want For Christmas’. You were right to feel good about it; to watch the face opposite you crumble as you told them. They’d completely forgotten about it, and you were right; it was the best Christmas song. The problems started when that defeated face switched out ‘Last Christmas’ for your clever answer and started hammering it on Spotify.
The fact of the matter is that, since the official banning of any new Christmas songs being written following Coldplay’s ‘Christmas Lights’ in 2010, the earth’s natural resources are running low. As commerce booms and John Lewis continues to demonstrate the true devastation caused by an old pop song played at half speed on a piano whilst a pencil goes ice skating, a parsnip is reunited with its family, or a gnome gifts their fishing rod to a homeless dog (all ideas I’m willing to discuss with the company), every single Christmas song, however obscure, is now at risk of becoming the next I-hope-you-choke-on-it ‘All I Want For Christmas’.
As someone who knows nothing about betting or how odds work, I’d advise you not to lean on your local BetFred to honour any of the below, but here’s how the few remaining underplayed Christmas songs worth anything at all are likely to fair in the coming years, in terms of being rediscovered by your awful friends and a company who thinks it’s ok to depict a baby bear reassembling a rusty robot for a sick badger spending Christmas Day in hospital to sell Chilly water bottles to us stupid, stupid people.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Darlene Love (1963)
I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t look good for this absolute pearler from the Phil Spector Christmas album. I mean, it’s inclusion in this year’s DFS campaign (the one where the people made of patchwork cloth put you off ever shopping at DFS) is what started me down this track. Just like ‘All Alone At Christmas’ circa 2017 – also by Love and featured briefly in Home Alone 2 – you’ve probably only got the rest of this year for it to remain your favourite Christmas song. I wouldn’t even say keep it to yourself – by the close of 2020, your friend who doesn’t even like music will be requesting this one on Magic’s request show and feeling very pleased with themselves.
Chances of ruin: 1/4